Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, ‘The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind’.

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor.

Humor is a great way to connect with people and make them feel at ease.

Humor was another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren’t about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

You’re trying to make someone wet their pants and you’re trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That’s the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

To make the most of Christmas, focus on Christ.

Much of writing might be described as mental pregnancy with successive difficult deliveries.

Not mamy of our old families can boast that a Savile Row tailor calls four times a year at their country estates to measure the scarecrows in the fields for new suits.

Your species. You have a terrific capacity for effing things up. For hurting one another. For making the world a worse place. But then you invent something like ice cream. That makes up for a lot. Makes you worth rooting for.

A sense of humor is the only divine quality of man

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it’s something to do with death or illness, though — I know that now.)

There was nothing to tempt me from the choice of desserts, so I opted instead for a coffee, which was bitter and lukewarm. Naturally, I had been about to pour it all over myself but, just in time, had read the warning printed on the paper cup, alerting me to the fact that hot liquids can cause injury. A lucky escape, Eleanor! I said to myself, laughing quietly. I began to suspect that Mr. McDonald was a very foolish man indeed, although, judging from the undiminished queue, a wealthy one.

I’m more interested in plot than theme, but I hope my values find their way into my stories: kindness, sympathy, effort, and humor!

Humor is a prelude to faith and laughter is the beginning of prayer.

You know Death will get you in the end, but if you are smart and have a sense of humor, you can thumb your nose at it for awhile.

I am not at all in a humor for writing; I must write on till I am.

At home I’ve got a very puerile, juvenile sense of humour

But I don’t want to be a vampire drone.’ Sophronia winced. ‘They’ll suck my blood and make me wear only the very latest fashions.

His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It’s wrong, lack of cream.

He wants to know why my marks aren’t better. Why I don’t speak fluent French. Why I can’t kill a fully grown man with a nutcracker.

Some of the young ladies even ate the salmon without concern to vital humors – when everyone knew colored fish flesh could bring on an attack of hysteria.

It’s all very well to be an intellectual, but one shouldn’t let other see. That’s embarrassing.t

Many gentleman were unable to cope with abundant chatter, which is why they so often married it.

Laughter is healing and helpful and fun, and I see my role as an entertainer, and I want readers to leave my books smiling.

[She] lost her patience, a thing she was all too prone to misplacing.

Stop playing verbal games with me, madam, or I shall go out into that ballroom, find your mother, and bring her here.

You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason? I was hungry, allowances should be made.

Classic author moment, “Oh dear, did I kill that character or not?

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect.

She filed the image away as an excellent and insulting question to ask the earl at an utterly inappropriate future moment.

Lord Maccon was built like a brick outhouse, with opinions twice as unmoving and often equally full of crap.

Miss Tarabotti was not one of life’s milk-water misses–in fact, quite the opposite. Many a gentleman had likened his first meeting with her to downing a very strong cognac when one was expecting to imbibe fruit juice–that is to say, startling and apt to leave one with a distinct burning sensation.

Cats were not, in her experience, an animal with much soul. Prosaic, practical little creatures as a general rule. It would suit her very well to be thought catlike.

It’s no good choosing your first husband from a school for evil geniuses. Much too difficult to kill.

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

Comedy in America is very serious. Either they laugh, or they don’t.

I don’t feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor.

Humor allows us to approach serious topics without fear or judgment.

If you can make someone laugh, even for a moment, you have made their day a little bit brighter.

I no longer have a manager. I can’t be managed.

The roar of the crowd is the soundtrack of summer, and baseball is the star of the show

If you ordered up a whore here, you’d probably get a theater major doing Joan Crawford as Sadie Thompson. I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a Hershey bar?” His eyes lit up for a moment. “I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a whore and a Hershey bar?

It wasn’t all that different from any particularly demanding boarding school, except that of course nobody ever went home for the holidays and we had a lot of brain surgery.

Whatever you see you gotta keep a sense of humor; you gotta be able to smile through all the bulls***.

Human humour often consists of pretending to wish something does not really wish.

A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

Creator. A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

You can love what you see in the mirror, but you can’t self-esteem your way out of the way the world treats you.

It’s not the pace of life I mind. It’s the sudden stop at the end

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I’m so far behind that I’ll never die

Laughter is one of the most powerful tools in the world. It can bring people together and break down barriers.

The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Like I’m going to go from shooting a movie back to pretending to slap myself in the face while some guy pretends he’s ejaculating on double D tits. I’m officially too fancy for that.

I love playing people who don’t have a sense of humor for instance, there’s nothing funnier to me than a person with no sense of humor.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

Don’t look now, but there’s someone else in this room  and I think it’s you.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Humor is reason gone mad.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

To examine each part of this humongous land, it may take as long as fifty years.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end

Humor is everything. Everything. Usually, the negatives turned out to be the most positive for me.

Laugh at your worries and insecurities. View your anxieties with humor. It will be difficult at first, but you’ll gradually get used to it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.

I am not in the humor for it.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

We’ve been able to watch on our television screens sophisticated weaponry find a building; and we’ve seen dramatic reports from the front where Pulitzer Prize-to-be winning reporters stood up and declared, the United States is attacked, and all that.

Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you’re going to win. And that’s where I’m coming from.

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States

One loses everything when one loses one’s sense of humor.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren’t about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

The more you want, the more you stand to lose

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

That’s the real trouble with the world. Too many people grow up.

I am large, I contain multitudes.

Having money is one thing but having sense with the money is the key.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

Never give a sucker an even break.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I drink only to make my friends seem interesting.

I am known in the trade as a heavy drinker. I have no recollection of that, but it does sound like me.

I have never been interested in personal gain or profit. This business and this studio have been my entire life.

If you just work on stuff that you like and you’re passionate about, you don’t have to have a master plan with how things will play out.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

We have a country of words. Speak, speak so I can put my road on the stone of a stone.

Be true to the game, because the game will be true to you. If you try to shortcut the game, then the game will shortcut you. If you put forth the effort, good things will be bestowed upon you. That’s truly about the game, and in some ways that’s about life too.

Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation.

I’ve never lost a game, I just ran out of time.

I’ve always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come.

I was the first comic in world history, so they told me, to pick fights with children.

You can fool some of the people some of the time—and that’s enough to make a decent living.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally

Learning’s a gift, even when pain is your teacher.

I got a boss mentality.

I am not afraid of death; I am afraid of a life without meaning

In every tear, a story unfolds.

My soul is light and my body is heavy with memories and place

We were born to be free, not to be slaves

The enemy is the occupation, not the people.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.