The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

For such is the nature of man, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; Yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves: For they see their own wit at hand, and other men at a distance.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with all five fingers — for their hospitality.

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I drink only to make my friends seem interesting.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I was the first comic in world history, so they told me, to pick fights with children.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally