I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

My mother is old, but she jokes around. She lives in a senior living home. After a certain age some people don’t like joking. They take her sarcasm the wrong way. I get that from my family. Everybody talks over each other. The first time I took my wife to my family reunion, she said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this!”

I’ve had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I’ve had jokes stolen from me in the club when I’m next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I’ll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

Remember that Cosby show where he harrassed the children? Well I put on a little suit and because I am so small they invited me on but nobody was laughing at my jokes. I guess I’m just, too, particularly smart for them

I’m banned from Middlebrook elementary for telling dirty jokes to the janitor. The janitor! He cleans up dirt for a living

If the coach on the sidelines is not that strong, transmitting the kind of spirit he has, players won’t always handle it well. Life becomes difficult. But, with Mourinho, everything is good. He knows when to be among his players, as ‘one of us’ making jokes as a friend, and when to be strong and distant, even severe

If I were bombing with my jokes in English, I would go back to France. Maybe do that mime thing.

I don’t feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor.

There were two things I used to do to seduce girls: jokes and music. Since I’m not a great pianist, jokes were my thing.

I don’t have to worry about writing jokes.

Big time, I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

If I hadn’t been told I was garbage, I wouldn’t have learned how to show people I’m talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn’t have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn’t told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn’t tried to break me down, I wouldn’t know that I’m unbreakable.

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I was just, you know, kind of getting racist jokes, kind of being isolated from the group. So it was definitely hard. I would come home at night and just cry my eyes out.

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference. Words are energy and they cast spells, that’s why it’s called spelling. Change the way you speak about yourself, and you can change your life.

When you asked me how I was doing, was that some kind of joke

No one is more himself than the moment when he’s laughing at a joke.

I never get tired of ‘It Was A Good Day’ references or jokes or anything like that. It’s just, you know, keeping my biggest hit alive. Nothing wrong with that.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‘Okay.’ And then I sit down and they say, ‘It’s math.’ ‘No! Not math! English, history, anything!’

sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.

Clumsy jesting is no joke

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

We ain’t supposed to make it past 25, jokes on you, we still alive