I can always live by my pen.

When people ask me for an autograph I usually ask for a pen and then stab them with it.

When the tongue or the pen is let loose in a frenzy of passion, it is the man, and not the subject, that becomes exhausted

There is no restraining men’s tongues or pens when charged with a little vanity.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.