I did a club one night – the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I’ve had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I’ve had jokes stolen from me in the club when I’m next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I’ll go onstage and create a whole new bit.

He saw, once for all, that he stood no chance against a man with a club. He had learned the lesson, and in all his after life he never forgot it.

He had learned well the law of club and fang, and he never forewent an advantage or drew back from a foe he had started on the way to Death.

He felt strangely numb. As though from a great distance, he was aware that he was being beaten. The last sensations of pain left him. He no longer felt anything, though very faintly he could hear the impact of the club upon his body. But it was no longer his body, it seemed so far away.

I can be very drunk in a club in Oxford on a Monday night, and some guy comes up to you and buys you a drink and says that the last record you made changed his life. That means something

He had learned well the law of club and fang, and he never forewent an advantage or drew back from a foe he had started on the way to Death. He had lessoned from Spitz, and from the chief fighting dogs of the police and mail, and knew there was no middle course. He must master or be mastered; while to show mercy was a weakness. mercy did not exist in the primordial life. It was misunderstood for fear, and such misunderstandings made for death. Kill or be killed, eat or be eaten, was the law; and this mandate, down out of the depths of Time, he obeyed.

He had killed man, the noblest game of all, and he had killed in the face of the law of club and fang.

All was confusion and action, and every moment life and limb were in peril. There was imperative need to be constantly alert; for these dogs and men were not town dogs and men. They were savages, all of them, who knew no law but the law of club and fang.

A man with a club is a law-maker.

Don’t loaf and invite inspiration; light out after it with a club, and if you don’t get it you will nonetheless get something that looks remarkably like it.

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

I’ll never forget the club or him I don’t see Arsenal without Arsene Wenger

And I don’t really like golf. I know a lot of English footballers play, but I know that if I go with the club to play, sooner or later I will end up trying to smash the ball with my foot.

Barcelona is always a club that, at the beginning of the season, wants to win everything. I will try my best to do that with them and I’m sure I will help as much as I can

Arsenal is in my blood as well as my heart. I will always, always, always remember you guys. I said I was going to be a Gooner for life and I did not lie because when you are a Gooner, you will always be a Gooner. This club is in my heart and will remain in my heart forever

It is very tough in England. Every away game is hard, of course. And normally, if you’re a big club like Chelsea, you’re supposed to win games at home against smaller clubs. But in England, that’s not the case. We must play well every game.

When you’re a kid, there is always a club that catches your attention.

I’m very happy to work for this club, this team, and these people here at Bayern

It’s the perfect club for any footballer to develop and to grow, because as everybody knows, La Masia can give you stability; they take care of you when you leave home.

In France, I’m not going to say the audience will laugh for nothing, but you could compare the response I get to the response Louis CK or Chris Rock would get if they go up in a club in Denver tonight.

I extended my contract here with Bayern because I am happy. I am very thankful of the club and how they supported me regarding my injuries. That is why I put my contract extension into motion so early.

I’m thrilled to be at a massive club like Bayern Munich.

Teams buy players and change managers if they feel they need change at the club.

I can’t remember the last time I went to a club.

I love this club, and to be wearing number 10 for Tottenham is amazing for me. I could not resist.

I think I had set-backs, but I still always had that belief that I was going to play for Tottenham Hotspur. Even when I went out on loan to clubs, it was always to come back and be a Spurs player.

I want to go and get more goals, create my chances for the team, and do my best for Tottenham Hotspur.

I wanted to find a club with a vision. There’s a change happening right now. We’re a young team with many great players. We play offensive. That’s very motivating.

I’d be in my hotel room, smoking too much, drinking, going to clubs, just being numb. That was being in jail to me. I wasn’t happy at all on the streets. That was the addict speaking.

Do you think I would enter into a contract with that mob? Absolutely no chance. I would not sell them a virus. That is a ‘No’ by the way. There is no agreement whatsoever between the clubs.

I do my profession, my job, I give me all for my club…the rest doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what happens on the outside.

We know Mourinho can win league titles – he is brilliant at it – but how long can he do it at one club?

I was at a great club at Barcelona. I loved Barcelona.

Barca is more than a club and a great team and I want to contribute to Messi staying the best for many years.

I’m Messi Football Club.

You in the club just to party. I’m there, I get paid a fee.

I can remember getting rejected systematically by casting directors as a young kid. I felt like the biggest outsider there ever was; that I’d never belong in that club.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I’m into all types of stuff. I might have on Pumas one day, Givenchy the next. I’d wear this John Elliott sweat suit to the club.