That’s why I refused. But after the media.

I can’t do it, if I finish that, I’ll have to attach a seat belt to the toilet.
Maybe an airbag too.

I’m often asked which of the Jack Daniels books is my personal favorite. It

You’re sick in the head.

Time is the ultimate long tail. Even with a big wad of money up front, if something sells forever, the back end is what ultimately counts.

If you ever want to get laid again, you’ll promise me.” Andy felt himself tear up. “Okay.

After 20 years, a million written words, and nine rejected novels, I finally landed a book contract.

He rolled his eyes, which buoyed me with relief. The dying don’t bother with sarcasm.

Vicky cost the taxpayers sixty-five million dollars, and she couldn’t predict the time an hour from now.

A company doesn’t have to compete with Amazon. A company can instead innovate in sectors Amazon doesn’t presently care about.

I rubbed my eyes, getting some eyeliner on my fingers. For what I paid for eyeliner, it shouldn’t come off that easily.

You’re the total of all the choices you’ve made in your life, Jack. This is what you have because this is what you chose.

Ha-shem to do His dirty work, namely, punishing sin. It can be read that Mastema, not Adonai.

We all need to focus on our writing. Because the millions of readers out there don’t care about your blog.

Men got all the comfortable clothing trends.

I just try to write entertaining books that are easily identifiable.

Schoolchildren. Plus he has erectile dysfunction.

If you’re stuck in hell, you might as well roast some marshmallows. Conversation.

Why didn’t vandals ever quote Shakespeare? I’d love to see graffiti in iambic pentameter.

People are bound to recognize the name Quasimodo.” “Why is that?” “Because he rings a bell.

My Kindle readers have been incredibly faithful fans.

Authors need to decide if they want to keep forever to themselves, or share forever with a publisher who takes over half the cover price.

Actually,” Coursey lowered his voice an octave, “we’ve been informed by Homeland Security that three members of a subversive Brazilian band went through Customs at O’Hare Airport eleven days ago.

If cops were viewed as the enemy, the tenuous balance of power could shift. Laws would be broken out of contempt. Authority wouldn’t be acknowledged. Police officers might even be attacked, or worse.

She nodded, taking his pistol and showing him the button to release the empty clip.
“Where did you learn how to shoot?” he asked.
“I teach high school.”

Amazon is not a monopoly or a monopsony, and even if it were, that by itself isn’t illegal.

Been following turned his black Cadillac.

Then I tug the toaster from the wall and swing the appliance around my head like a lasso. I’m not aiming to knock her out. I’m aiming to knock off her fucking head.

People, even crazy, evil people, tended to believe they have a good reason for doing what they do. Though some consider religion the opiate of the masses, others use it to further their obsessions, or rationalize their crimes.

If it takes every cent of my money, every single one of my vast resources, I’ll see to it that you never insure another vehicle again. When I get done with you, you won’t be able to put on roller skates without the Feds breathing down your neck.

You act like you have a saggy diaper that leaks. Maybe you need to take your Shut-The-Hell-Up pill.

Funny thing about regrets. I don’t lament what I’ve done, but rather, what I didn’t do.

The publishing industry is an archaic and inefficient industry.

My grandchildren will be making money from the stories I write and sell as eBooks because they will continue to be making money.

I enjoy writing. Publishing … not so much. I’ve been lucky to work with some very talented people in the publishing world, and the print industry has allowed me to write full time.

But after eating his one-thousandth sinner, Bob became prideful of his accomplishments, and that angered God.”
“Why would that anger God?”
“This was the Old Testament. God got pissed off a lot. Didn’t you ever read Job?

When a single author uploading his own books to Amazon can earn more money than a large N.Y. publisher exploiting both print and e-rights, there’s something amiss.

I’ve been saying for years that readers want inexpensive ebooks.

My next course of action was to take my phone off the hook, because I kept getting obnoxious messages along the lines of, “Where’s that kidney?” and “You have to get to the hospital immediately!” and “He’s dead.

Because we self-published ‘Draculas,’ we control the rights. Not just for now, but forever.

I can hire out for editing, proofreading, formatting, and cover design, and those are fixed, sunk costs. Once those are paid, I can earn 70% on a self-pubbed ebook.

I picked up a transsexual hooker named Thor, all six feet of her, at the off ramp to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I was driving up north to kill a man.

Lately, my sexual fantasies revolved around once again having a landlord. Looks, age, and hygiene didn’t matter, as long as he had a tool belt and said, Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.

I know a place that serves great falafel.” “Falafel?” “No, I don’t feel awful.” Herb grinned. “I feel pretty good.

The cab smelled like curry, cigarettes, and body odor, and the safety glass between me and the driver had cracks in it.

While the modern Bible is missing many of its original passages, the Book of Bob isn’t one of them. You’re probably getting it confused with the lost Book of Fred.

You remember what you told me, Mom? That there are no medals for the completion of a good life? I’ve been thinking about that. About how no one wins. Like you said, it’s impossible to win, because the finish line is death.

Blake Crouch, Chicago’s deputy chief, and says, “I don’t know.” Crouch resembles a mole, with a long, sharp nose and tiny black eyes.

I was overworked, underpaid, and socially retarded. But…

It’s easier to release an ebook than a print book.

I didn’t like doctors. They always wanted to take something from you, like blood or a kidney, or stick something in you, like a probe or a needle.

I became a control freak as a defense mechanism. The more control I had in my life, the less chance of being surprised, of getting hurt.

If a traditional publisher offered me a quarter of a million dollars for a novel, I’d consider it. But anything less than that, I’m sure I can do better on my own.

Together, Amazon and I are giving readers what they want – inexpensive, professional ebooks.

Life isn’t worth living unless you have someone to share it with, Jacqueline. The good times, and the bad times. In sickness and in health. Even toward the end, she could still make my heart flutter when I looked at her.

I took a moment before saying, “You think the murderer is a Brazilian samba trio.” Dailey held up his right hand and ticked off fingers. “They’re organized. Focused. Motivated. And are in excellent physical condition, by the looks of the pictures on their CD.

I really think it is possible to make a very nice living by writing and not worrying about anything else.

Publishers vet books, and they do a good job keeping out the low quality. But they also miss some good quality.

Writers aren’t in competition with one another. It isn’t a zero sum game. If you have a good book, a good cover, a good product description, and a low price, you can sell well.

No one was interested in picking up a midlist series, even though I have a decent fanbase and respectable numbers.

I love bookstores and booksellers. In my novel ‘Dirty Martini,’ I thanked over 3,000 booksellers by name in the back matter.

Time is the ultimate long tail. Even with a big wad of money up front, if something sells forever, the back end is what ultimately counts.

I know dozens of authors who have had a lot of books published by New York, and they won’t ever take another Big 6 contract since they’ve gotten a taste of the freedom, control, and money self-publishing offers.

We each take up one virtual space per title… Virtual shelf life is forever. In a bookstore, you have anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to sell your title, and then it gets returned. This is a big waste of money, and no incentive at all for the bookseller to move the book.

I have turned off Google Alerts and don’t Google my name or my pen names. I don’t go on message boards. I don’t read my book reviews.

I doubt I’ll ever have another traditional print deal.

E-books are preferable to paper; they can be delivered instantly. In many cases, they’re cheaper; you can buy them with the press of a button.

Like people would ever want to read books on an electronic screen.

Don’t prioritize the mundane.

You can’t let the uncertainty of tomorrow interfere with the joy of today.

Chico was a small-time hustler and big-time loser who liked to bet the ponies and hit women. He was more successful at the latter.

You know, you remind me of my younger brother. I miss that kid, so much that I sometimes regret killing him.

I think guns are just a symbolic substitute for male genitalia, and I’m okay in that respect. Fine. If they get in the house, you can whack them with your genitals.

I’ve got issues?” “You’ve got a whole subscription.

One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.

HGH was responsible for human growth, and lack of it caused dwarfism, or too much of it caused NBA players.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind Alzheimer’s. You buy one magazine, and you’re entertained for the rest of your life.

Georgia hated all of them. Hated them passionately. She preferred to stay lost than ask for help from those idiots. So.

Society is a codependent group of narcissistic hypocrites without mirrors.

What happens to rage deferred? It explodes. It explodes in spectacular fashion.

People aren’t carved out of marble. We’re all works in progress. The trick is to define ourselves, rather than let outside influences define us.

Besides, if a guy couldn’t accept the way a woman looked when she woke up, he wasn’t worth waking up next to. Not.

The scariest monsters have the best masks.

“Frank,” Andy said slowly, “I don’t think the hellspawn wants to play checkers with you.”

Your species. You have a terrific capacity for effing things up. For hurting one another. For making the world a worse place. But then you invent something like ice cream. That makes up for a lot. Makes you worth rooting for.

Mothers shouldn’t be allowed to get old and fragile.

Nothing is black and white. There are no universal standards that determine what’s good and what’s evil. It’s subjective.

I try not to watch the news. Too depressing.

The most important job anyone can ever have is being a mother.

We don’t know the Devil’s side of the story, because God wrote all the books.

Some people are naturally brave. Others, like me, learn to fake it. I still had no idea if faked bravery and real bravery were the same thing.

Success means nothing unless you have someone to share it with.

Mark Twain once said that true bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but the ability to act in the face of fear.

When someone threatens me, I don’t threaten them back. Bad people don’t respond to threats. They respond to violence. The only time I point a gun at someone is when I’m going to shoot that person.

Of course, Jack Kilborn is better than both of us combined and mixed with a side helping of the Bronte sisters.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.” He shrugged. “He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.” “Heart attack?” “He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.

As writers, we can do whatever we want to. We’re only limited by our imaginations. What an amazing, incredible time to be alive. How lucky we all are.

Writers are essential. Readers are essential. Publishers are not.

Fate is a future you didn’t try hard enough to change.

Back in August, I wrote a post about the supposed race to the bottom with ebooks, refuting some nonsense written by an establishment bonehead. This meme won’t die. People are still convinced that new ebooks are going to be priced at ten cents, and writers will starve, and this will cause a second Great Depression where banks will close and people will be forced to buy Kindles with food stamps, and then the earth will enter another ice age where all the bunnies will freeze to death.

Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I’m counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might give you a reason to be nasty, they don’t give you a reason to be in this lane.

If you can’t be smart or funny, be brief.

Before you make the key, study the lock.

There’s a word for a writer who never gives up: published.

Never having something is different than having something and losing it.

You can’t be both happy and ambitious.

Every tomorrow has two handles we can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith If you can quit, quit. If you can’t quit, stop complaining – this is what you chose.

Some people are born with a fire inside them. The will to succeed. It isn’t a learned behavior. It’s just some unknown biological factor that makes them try harder.

All you need to know about plotting is twofold. 1. Give your characters goals. 2. Don’t let them reach those goals.

If you can quit, quit. If you can’t quit, stop complaining – this is what you chose.