I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

Even suicide is cheaper out here. The California motorist will, on the average, knock off three pedestrians a month.

Your producer, who you say idolizes me, is obviously a brilliant fellow.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.

The hardest thing about old age is finding someone willing to scratch your feet.

The other day I met two lions and I subjected them .I subjected them to a series of begging and crying.

Don’t look now, but there’s someone else in this room  and I think it’s you.

I will not allow injustice or foul play, but if someone is caught practicing corruption if I receive a commission, we will put him against the wall. And we will give the order to shoot!

At parties you never sit down; someone you don’t like can sit next to you.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.

A book is man’s best friend.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquet and throw away the groom.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

All people are born alike—except Republicans and Democrats.

Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps. And The Lord Alps those that Alps themselves.

Gentlemen: If you continue to print slanderous material about me, I shall feel compelled to cancel my subscription.

Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You’re only as young as the woman you feel.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.