My little computer said such a funny thing this morning.

I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out

Ooooh, back 2 school, back 2 school to prove to my dad that I’m not a fool

Comedy, such a lovely lady, she’ll pick you up, you your feeling blue

For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it

I am good. You know what, you’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck

We wasted the good surprise on you

That was pretty much my life. I’d say, ‘Mama, how come some people ain’t nice?’ She’d say, ‘Well, probably because they wasn’t breastfed.

It’s surreal to think that people come up to me and say, ‘Do the voice, do the voice!

What? I didn’t break it, I was just testing its durability, and then I placed it in the woods because it’s made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.

The price is wrong, bitch

It’s all about the Benjamins, baby.

You don’t have to lie, just tell her to ignore when I’m lying

Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I’d make one that I can’t get yelled at for.

I’m not sure exactly what Victor and Victoria would be

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing

Life ain’t worth living if you’re not taking risks

I’m very much aware of my own insecurities. I’m aware of the things that I struggle with

The kangaroo is down, we repeat, the kangaroo is down

I’m a fun father, but not a good father.

Everything I do, it’s not going right, and I don’t know what to do

Haven’t you heard? Goofy is the new handsome

I like to play the characters that are the center of attention and have an edge

I’m a regular-looking person in a sea of beautiful people

You’d better not kill me, man, I’ve got s**t to do tomorrow

Stay here. Stay as long as you can. For the love of God! Cherish it

I was gonna go fishing this weekend until I realized it was too much like work

Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot so it kinds works out

When you’re around the kids, you feel like you act the most grown up just because you’re supposed to lead. I say things, like every other parent, that reminds you of your own parents. One thing I do know about being a parent, you understand why your father was in a bad mood a lot.

I don’t know anything about plants except that you make cakes out of them!

I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

One thing I do know about being a parent, you understand why your father was in a bad mood a lot.

Sometimes you can’t prioritize family and you feel guilty.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

My intention is never to hurt anybody. I’m happy when people are having a good time

I wanted to make sure that I did one movie in my career that mothers hug me for.

I can’t run a company… I can’t even run my own life!

I know I want to always do the best I can.

When I’m not in the mood, I’m really cranky.

I still feel like I gotta prove something. There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated

I don’t know who makes the rules, but I think it’s a bad idea to watch your own stuff with a crowd

There’s nothing more fun to me than new characters and a new world.

Comedy always works best when it’s mean-spirited

You gotta pay the troll toll, if you wanna get into that boy’s soul

Must be weird not having anybody come on you

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

I ain’t going anywhere, ya big, dumb animal! I’m a whole piece of shit!

Mama says that, alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it

You’re gonna die, Bobby

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat

This is a house of learned doctors

Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair

God gave me some weird, beautiful scent that makes men and women go crazy. People compare it to Carvel. It is a whale of a smell.

There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong

You know you’re an adult when you get excited about a new sponge

I got the beer belly. You got the Fritos belly

I believe if you ain’t first, you’re last

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside

You can do it

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious

Oh, really? Well, my movie’s gonna make more money than your movie.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now

I am the smartest man alive

I finished a big book the other day.

You ever have a dream, that you, um, you had, uh, you could, you’ll do, you could do so, you, you’ll do, you could, you, you want, you want them to do you so much, you could do anything?

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway

You don’t need a patch on your arm to have honor.

I’m in a mood, Dave. A bad mood, a very bad mood! I was fired from my ice cream truck job today! No more Fudgicles!

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to

Oh, that’s nice. That’s real nice. Good for you

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Stop looking at me, swan

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society

Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately

I am a golden god

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

They’re all gonna laugh at you

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room