When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.

I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie.

I’m kind of jealous of the life I’m supposedly leading.

The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.

I’m pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I’ve never seen it. Have you? I didn’t think so.

Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

I’m hanging out with my New York friends, my Jersey boys, my family and loving every single second of it.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I’m sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It’s false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I’m Jewish, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

People ask me, ‘Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?’ I always tell them that there’s nothing on earth better than being famous.

I really like just super dry comedy.

My co-stars aren’t bad actors, but they’re no Zach Braff.

I don’t even like the show that much, I mean, it’s about doctors. It’s not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I’ve saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.

Every single person wants to do it, don’t hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart.

I donno, it’s not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

I donno, it’s not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there’s just no excuse. They’d be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I’d just love to see Will Smith’s face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That’d show that no-talent uncle tom.

I don’t think it’s a black and white issue. If a man’s family is starving so to speak, I don’t think I’ll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.

Didn’t we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes.

I had no interest in sports so I didn’t make friends in that traditional way where kids are in public school and they go and they join clubs, and play sports. So I kind of had to find my own way to make friends and get attention and so I just was the class clown.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

Most people just aren’t grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said ‘hello’ to a man the other day, and he didn’t even recognize me. It just really saddens me.

I’m a film geek man. I love toys. I love everything in filmmaking, so for me to just be around this technology is just so cool to watch it being used for the first time, some of the stuff.

I figure it this way – if a woman claims she didn’t want me to fudge her, then you already know she’s a liar. So what the hell’s the point of a trial, y’know.

Seriously, when’s the last time you saw me wear shorts.

I don’t ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God’s way of rewarding me for Garden State.

I’m sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it’s all going according to plan and some weeks where you’re super frustrated.

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me.

Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that’s real power.

If I wasn’t an actor? Hmm, I’d probably be a serial killer. I’m just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.

I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I’m successful, and I am.

I’ve had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can’t seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know.

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.

My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it’s turned into the lolocaust.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do.

The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick.

Now that ‘Scrubs’ is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I’m thinking, ‘Who ARE you.

You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don’t see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you’re never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it.

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he’s so great how come he can’t see? I mean, God doesn’t make mistakes, just look at me for example.

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I’m gonna throw.

It’s not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It’s just that, we weren’t there, we don’t know.

You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.

I’m not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.

Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they’re all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn’t sway that way, you know.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would’ve won Vietnam.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would’ve won Vietnam.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don’t like Arabs.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that’s where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don’t have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around.

I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what’s become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something.

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it’s about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.

It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment.

People have called me fake, but personally, I don’t think I’m fake because I’m so insincere.

It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It’s like denying the cure for polio or something.

I could be one if I wanted to, I’m just way too overqualified for a job that simple.

So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It’s like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn’t deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.

Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn’t have anything to hide – Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff’s secret to Zach Braff’s success.

Some people just don’t want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I’m famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know.

I can’t watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where’s the substantive news? Where’s the Zach Braff coverage.

I don’t think that other races are inferior, I just think that there’s something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, ‘Yeah, I’m glad I’m on that team.

I’m not actually an arrogant guy. It’s just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.

People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they’re just trying to clean up our planet. I’m not saying it’s right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example.

It’s not that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can’t swim.

It’s not that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can’t swim.

It’s not that I’m racist or anything, because I’m not, but I just don’t think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn’t about white people.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it’s just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn’t sit well with me.

Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something…

I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

A lot of people say colonialism was ‘evil’ or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don’t think it should be considered ‘racist’ to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.

It’s not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter ‘Good morning, handsome’ and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don’t break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn’t really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it’s light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one.

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE.

It’s a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them.

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he’d have given them penises.

I’m not gay, but I’m still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.

Don’t get me started on cold toilet seats.

I’ve always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he’s the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs.

I’d really like to give back to the world, but everything I’ve achieved, I’ve earned on my own, so what’s the point.

Yea, I’ve got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.

I don’t mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog.

I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I’m here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe.

I’m not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.

Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children’s hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

There’s a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong.

Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it’s in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through.

I’m 26 years old, and I’ve spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I’m going to try to live my life like that.

She can’t say no if she’s unconscious.

She can’t say no if she’s unconscious.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Maybe that’s all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

I’m grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it.

If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind’s competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.

I always liked the story of Noah’s Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.

I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I’m successful.

It’s all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

Hitler was about population control.

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don’t understand that.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.