Surround yourself with people who bring out your inner child. Life’s too short to hang out with boring grown-ups.

I’m on top of the world!

I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins.

I just don’t understand.

I’m not saying I’m an expert in love, but I did once play a character who fell in love with a mermaid. So, you know, I’ve got some experience.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

In the fourth grade, I learned how to fake walking into a door. You know, you hit it with your hand and snap your head back. The girls loved it.

I’m the best at what I do. And what I do is very nice.

Don’t underestimate the power of a good silly dance. It can cure all that ails you.

I’m not here to make friends.

Comedy is all about timing, just like learning how to properly execute the ‘robot’ dance move.

America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed.

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don’t have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.

There’s nothing sexy about Orange County.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I’m a man, I’m 40!

Laughter is the best medicine, but if you have a fever, you should probably also take some actual medicine. Just saying.

I left ‘Saturday Night Live’ without a film to go to, and I’d filmed ‘Old School’ while I was in my last season of the show, and that hadn’t come out yet. I was a free agent, in a way, but I knew it was time to leave the show and test the water.

I’m sorry, I thought this was America!

The key to a successful partnership is finding someone who laughs at your jokes even when they’re not funny. That’s true love right there.

I did plenty of jobs that I hated. I was a bank teller and terrible at it. I parked cars, a valet. I answered phones. I somehow avoided being a waiter. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the order straight. I’m not much of a multi-tasker.

Immature is aword boring people use to describe fun people.

When I was a kid, ‘Land of the Lost’ was my favorite show, just because it was – in the landscape of Saturday morning cartoons – it was so unique. It was a live-action show and kids were in it, these creatures, these Sleestaks and dinosaurs. Every week was a different adventure. I couldn’t wait. I loved it so much.

I’m a big fan of Christmas. I like to celebrate it all year round.

Success is shaving your head and wearing a ridiculous wig for a movie, and still being considered attractive.

I’m just a big, hairy, American winning machine!

I’m a selective pack rat. There’s some things I have no problem getting rid of and others I hold onto dearly.

I’m not sure what’s happening, but I am ready for it.

There’s no crying in baseball.

If someone ever says you’re weird, just remember, every great person in history was considered weird. Embrace your weirdness and go conquer the world!

Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.

Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?

I just want to thank you for your support.

The cowbell is a very important part of the song.

My philosophy is: if you can’t have fun, there’s really no point in doing it.

Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

James Caan told me at the end of filming ‘Elf’ that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny – and I never was.

Inappropriate behavior makes me laugh.

Life is too short to be serious all the time. Take a chance. Break the rules. Dance naked in your living room…okay, maybe not that last part.

There’s a benefit to losing, you get to learn from your mistakes.

We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!

I am the champion! I am the champion!

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.

I am so tired of you. So tired of you.

I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Plastics.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you can rewatch Elf as many times as you want.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

I feel like I’m in the middle of an 80’s movie.

I’m very serious. I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

I think I’m hilarious. But if you don’t, that’s totally cool. My mom still laughs at my jokes, so I’ve got my target audience covered.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot.

I’m in a glass case of emotion!

You stay classy, San Diego.

When in doubt, just pretend to be the character from Zoolander who only knows one look.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I’m a bit of a gourmet chef. I love cooking – mostly Thai food.

I’ve got a belly full of white-hot anger right now.

I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of a big deal.

I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I think maybe it’s both.

If no-one comes from the future to stop doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?

I’ve always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat, and I built a boat.

I am just so pumped right now!

I’m kind of a big deal.

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.

If you ain’t first, you’re last!

I’m a Cancer; I’m music-passionate. I like long walks on the beach.