The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

Never give a sucker an even break.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

I drink only to make my friends seem interesting.

I am known in the trade as a heavy drinker. I have no recollection of that, but it does sound like me.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I was the first comic in world history, so they told me, to pick fights with children.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

You can fool some of the people some of the time—and that’s enough to make a decent living.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.