A bridge is just a road that’s brave as f*ck.

Life’s a puzzle, and I’m just trying to find that missing piece of chocolate.

In a world of filters, be the unapologetically grainy photo.

I’m not lazy; I’m just conserving energy for the important things – like avoiding responsibilities.

I’m not great at adulting, but I’m an expert at turning bad decisions into great stories.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but I think it’s more like a budget airline – slow and full of turbulence.

I’ve realized that my comfort zone is more like an uncomfortable studio apartment.

Life’s all about finding the right balance between Netflix binge-watching and pretending to be productive.

My love life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book – except all the pages end in disappointment.

I’m not aging; I’m just becoming a classic, like a vintage snack cake.

If common sense was common, more people would have it – but here we are.

Life’s full of curveballs, and I’m out here swinging with a wiffle ball bat.

Success is like a fart – it’s best when it’s silent but deadly.

If I had a dollar for every time I second-guessed myself, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.

Being an adult is basically just Googling how to do stuff and then pretending you knew it all along.

I’ve learned that regret is just a socially acceptable form of time travel.

Love is like a fine wine – some of us are just stuck with cheap boxed versions.

Don’t follow your dreams – they’re probably sleep-deprived and lost.

The key to happiness? Lowering your expectations and raising your snack game.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously – but it’s just the right length to order dessert.

If thoughts were calories, I’d be morbidly obese.

In a world of filters and facades, authenticity is like a rare unicorn – and I’m out here hunting with a selfie stick.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s gonna be a long, awkward ride.

I’ve got 99 problems, and all of them are me overthinking things at 3 AM.

I used to think being an adult meant having it all figured out, but it turns out we’re all just guessing.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but have you ever seen someone sad on a wave runner?

Life’s a rollercoaster, and I’m just trying to keep my hands up and my lunch down.

If life gives you lemons, you might be dyslexic.

I’m not saying I’m a guru, but I’ve definitely had my fair share of microwaved burritos and life lessons.

Growing up is like folding a fitted sheet – nobody really knows how to do it.

Life’s like a beehive – you get stung sometimes, but you gotta keep coming back for that honey.