I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Do you have any toy train schedules?

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s??

I’m a peripheral visionary.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I washed mud off of mud.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her  The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

What a nice night for an evening.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Half the people you know are below average.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.