I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.