When one teaches, two learn.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.

To permit irresponsible authority is to sell disaster.

Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument.

Sense is never common.

Never tease an old dog; he might have one bite left.

Listen, son. Most women are damn fools and children. But they’ve got more range then we’ve got. The brave ones are braver, the good ones are better — and the vile ones are viler, for that matter.

No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority.

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.

Thou art god, I am god. All that groks is god.

I’m always suspicious of disinterested interest.

My old man says when it’s time to be counted, the important thing is to be man enough to stand up.

Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.

Any group is weaker than a man alone unless they are perfectly trained to work together.

Together

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

He’s an honest politician–he stays bought.

Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. [He is also a fool.]

Most neuroses and some psychoses can be traced to the unnecessary and unhealthy habit of daily wallowing in the troubles and sins of five billion strangers.

Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.

The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time-and then shut up.

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

If a grasshopper tries to fight a lawnmower, one may admire his courage but not his judgement.

Take big bites. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Ignorance is curable, stupid is forever.

Its very variety, subtlety, and utterly irrational, idiomatic complexity makes it possible to say things in English which simply cannot be said in any other language.

Never own more than you can carry in both hands at a dead run.

I don’t see why human people make such a heavy trip out of sex. It isn’t anything complex, it is simply the best thing in life, even better than food.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don’t let that stop you; if you don’t bet you can’t win.

Does history record any case in which the majority was right?

Democracy is a poor system of government at best; the only thing that can honestly be said in its favor is that it is eight times as good as any other method the human race has ever tried.

Cheops’ Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.

I came, I saw, she conquered.” The original Latin seems to have been garbled.

Butterflies are not insects,’ Captain John Sterling said soberly. ‘They are self-propelled flowers.

Remember though, your best weapon is between your ears and under your scalp -provided it’s loaded.

God created men to test the souls of women.

One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.

A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dreamworld.

Geniuses and supergeniuses always make their own rules about sex as on everything else; they do not accept the monkey customs of their lessers.

I do know that the slickest way to lie is to tell the right amount of truth–then shut up.

There is no safety this side of the grave

I know why we laugh. We laugh because it hurts, and it’s the only thing to make it stop hurting.

The first principle of freedom is the right to go to hell in your own handbasket.

It is impossible for anyone to be responsible for another person’s behavior. The most you or any leader can do is to encourage each one to be responsible for himself.

Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil.

Take sides! Always take sides! You will sometimes be wrong – but the man who refuses to take sides must always be wrong.

Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

Live and learn, or you don’t live long.

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best, he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear his shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

But goodness alone is never enough. A hard, cold wisdom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil.

Some people insist that ‘mediocre’ is better than ‘best.’ They delight in clipping wings because they themselves can’t fly. They despise brains because they have none.

Thinking doesn’t pay. Just makes you discontented with what you see around you.

No woman ever ages beyond eighteen in her heart.

I never do anything I don’t want to do. Nor does anyone, but in my case I am always aware of it.

If you’ve got the truth you can demonstrate it. Talking doesn’t prove it.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Men rarely if ever dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector…and miss.

A generation which ignores history has no past — and no future.

Secrecy begets tyranny.

Belief gets in the way of learning.

Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor.

Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

Yield to temptation…it may not pass your way again!

Butterflies are self propelled flowers.

Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate — and quickly.

Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

A society that gets rid of all its troublemakers goes downhill.

One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh.

In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life.

There is no such thing as “Just a cat.

How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.

A desire not to butt into other people’s business is at least eighty percent of all human wisdom.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

There are no dangerous weapons; there are only dangerous men.

May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it’s more sanitary.

Once a month, some women act like men act all the time.

Almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.

Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why. Then do it.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.

Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other “sins” are invented nonsense.

There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.

A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in minor matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot.

I’ve found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it’s the only thing that’ll make it stop hurting.

Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you.

There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result from stupidity.

Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once.

Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.

A prude is a person who thinks that his own rules of propriety are natural laws.

Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Happiness consists in getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.