Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.

This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it!

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I’ve got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.

This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green”… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

An escalator can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor.”
Damn gravity. Got me again!

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, so it died.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say “I’m gonna go shave, too.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.