If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I’m Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Religion is like drugs; it destroys the thinking mind.

The American Dream is a fantasy sold to the masses to distract them from the truth.

The American Dream is dead, and we need to wake up to that reality.

I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it’s from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it’s shocking for them.

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful of insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

It’s disgusting, man. Disgusting that people still make that argument that we can never cut defense but we can cut education. Who the fuck is going to invade the US? Really? Use your fucking heads! The only country that could invade America is America! We can afford to cut defense; we can’t afford to cut education. We cut education, in 50 years, we’ll be so stack with idiots with shitty jobs that we won’t have enough money to pay for defense!

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.

I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around, that’s their job!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I’m not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don’t. Everything is done to you in this country.

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality – my moods, my behaviors – was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.

Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.

I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.

The only good thing to have come out of religion is the music.

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

Regarding The Boy Scouts, I’m Very Suspicious Of Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

Who says life is sacred? God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

When I see individuals, I see their individual beauty.

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands – Nike, Puma, Coke – all over their bodies.

No one is more himself than the moment when he’s laughing at a joke.

Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinkng. They want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision. It’s not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You’re collusive with the religion when you accept it. You have a choice.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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People who say they don’t care what people think are usually  desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The American Dream is nothing but a capitalist fairy tale.

The American Dream is a carrot dangled in front of the working class to keep them striving and struggling.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

The owners of this country know the truth: It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

Life is a zero sum game.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.’

Think off-center.

Recently I realised what emails are for: to communicate with those who you don’t want to talk to.

If you really want to know how to help your children, leave them alone!

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Live every day like it’s your last… and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.

Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.

The status quo sucks.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

I don’t see a way out for [our] species. … Using technology to fix the mess made by technology … doesn’t seem to fit for me.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there…just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep ’em showing up at those ‘jobs.’

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

That’s my job: thinking up goofy shit.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn’t do it; it is something that I like to do.

There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

The American Dream is a crock. Stop me if I’m getting too technical.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

Ever wonder about those people who spend two dollars apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Religion is like a pair of shoes, find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn’t want you to know something, it won’t be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f***** hatreds!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.