I was very dirty; I was a very dirty comic. There was no way I would have gotten on TV with the act I had when I first started.

Surround yourself with supportive people. All the negative people, man you have to push them aside.

Originally the big argument was that they wanted to call it “raw and uncut” and I told them I had a problem with that. When you say “raw” it implies that my show is dirty and that’s not the case.

And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

It’s not an overnight thing. I can legitimately say I’ve been working my ass off for a long time and the fact that I’m getting this concert movie is perfect because it’s coming at just the right time in my life.

[Making people laugh] was a secret dream I kept and I didn’t tell anybody about it until I was about 18.

I eat a lot of junk food, because that’s what’s usually available at 1:00am when I’m all done working.

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don’t want tacos! Maybe.

I’ve never really fancied Mexican food. A taco rather minds me of a puncture outfit.

To this day, I love eating steak tacos before going to the red carpets.

You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.

Some comics don’t like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I’m going to do.

My material never comes out verbatim every time. I always tweak in a line, or tweak away a line, gain a couple tags or lose a couple tags. The timing is always off.

A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.

Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up… First thing you’re going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.

The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it’s really comfortable to drive and it’s real techy inside. You look at the screen and it’s blue and you’ve got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.

I was not the popular kid in school.

Life is like a comedy show. Some moments are hilarious, while others are challenging. But they all contribute to the story.

Laughter is a universal language. It connects people from all walks of life.

Success is not the absence of failure, but the ability to bounce back from it.

You can’t please everyone, so focus on making yourself happy.

Life is like a rollercoaster ride. Enjoy the ups and learn from the downs.
Explanation

Best advice, bro: Think big. Don’t think small. If you think small, then you’re going to stay small. Think (about) the broad scope.

Early on when I started talking about my weight, it was self-deprecating; everything was a joke.

Understand that you don’t know it all. You don’t know anything yet. What you’ve been taught is great, but always go with common sense. And don’t marry your first love.

Why would anybody connect to someone who has everything going for them? It’s the person who has faults that people want to connect to. So people identify with certain insecurities on stage and just by me talking about my diabetes people come up to me after the show and tell me “Gabe, my blood sugar is out of control and I feel you”. That’s the first thing they say, they say “I feel you!”.

Anything is possible as long as you’re focused, determined and you really want to do it.

If i wouldn’t have done comedy, I would have been a teacher. I was really good when I took an exploratory teaching class in high school, at getting kids’ attention, and delivering lesson plans. Though my principal even told me that this was what I was meant to do. And that being a big-mouth comedian was a waste of time.

If you surround yourself with a bunch of guys who no mas se quieren puro pari and are like, “Aaah, let’s go get some chicks.” Guess what? That’s going to slow you down and keep your head somewhere else.

If I’m drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I’m the guy you should leave alone.

I don’t even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I’m looking at all the aisles… they don’t have one that says ‘oops.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They’re just blown up Mexicans!

Being on TV sucks. It’s a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything.

When you’re a comedian, the Holy Grail is an hour-long HBO special.

I don’t have to worry about writing jokes.

You can’t prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I’m doing. If I can keep this going, I’m happy.

I’m never home. I miss birthdays. I miss holidays. I miss anniversaries. I miss special moments. I’m not always there for important times, because I’m out on the road trying to make people laugh. I give up my privacy. I give up the ability to walk somewhere and relax.

I just like The Little Mermaid cartoon. Say what you want. I have a fish tank, it’s a long story. I have a fascination with the ocean, and you put a hot chick in there, it just adds more to it! I liked The Little Mermaid. It’s a cool movie. It’s one of those I watch over and over again.

You can’t be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.

People think if you have money, it’ll fix the problems, but it creates different ones.

TV show’s really quick. You’re in, you’re out. A film usually takes a lot longer. However, a voiceover is very much like TV in the sense that it’s really quick. For example, I did the movie Planes in one day.

TV and film for me are not as exciting as the live stand-up show and getting the immediate reaction of the crowd. TV is a lot of hurry up and wait for your shot and less immediate reaction from people.

We can choose our family. We can’t choose our relatives.

Drinking can bring out a dude that has some issues.

I love Australia. First of all, everyone is so nice. The people are down to Earth, and they like having fun with you.

I’ll walk up to a woman, I’ll say the first thing that comes to mind: ‘Hey, you hungry?’

I’m not selling out, denying who I am or where I’ve come from, not at all. I acknowledge that.

If you aim to be big, you will be big. And that’s not a pun about my size.

You gotta hang out with people who have big dreams and believe in that dream.

For about three years I was performing at one bar in East Los Angeles that was like a mean dive bar. You’re in there performing for drunks or bikers, not the most flattering people. I think it helped build my confidence, because you have to get their attention, then make them laugh.

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible… I don’t want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we’re talking about it, so it was a good call.

I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I’ll go for it.

omedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That’s the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.

As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I’m kind of jaded on everyone else.

It’s because you alienate half the room talking about sports. Half the crowd will be against you no matter what you say.

I’m always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that’s off stage. People know when it’s fake.

I know what it’s like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.

I don’t get controversial, I don’t get political and I don’t tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.

I’m a big guy, but I’m really simple with the food. I’ll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.

You know, you were right about Linkin Park, and Matthew McConaughey does drive a Lincoln.

Ah, yeah, nothing like putting your hard-earned paycheck in the hands of hormonal teens. That’s what I call living.

Just a word of advice, if a grown man in dress sweats has a large travel mug, don’t drink from it.

In America, if you don’t like the rules, you protest. And the worst thing they can do is make sure you never play professional football again.

Our country was founded by a bunch of dudes who woke up every morning asking their wives, “M’lady, have you seen my wig?

I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.

I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I’m not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

Drama is not my passion. If I do it, it’s for a check. It’s not what I want to do. Comedy’s my thing. Stand up’s my thing. Everything that comes from that is frosting on the cake.

I got off the plane — I was walking and cooking at the same time.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

Big time, I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

I keep it very family-friendly, Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.

I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences, … I cross the board.

Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t handle alcohol. The police know who you are.

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments – except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I’ll let you know right now, there’s only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster – whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you! I have up to five X, I don’t have X!” A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?

When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.

I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. What’s the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don’t work out in life, they work out on stage.

You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that’s all I’ve ever done.

I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just – I crave it.

Stand-up is not just an American thing anymore. It’s global. In some places, stand-up comedy is brand new. South Africa has only had a scene for 15 years.

Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like ‘this guy is ready to party.’

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, ‘Oh, it’s fake.’ But it’s not about whether the guy wins or loses, it’s about how he entertains you the whole time you’re watching.

Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she’s very hands-on with my career.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion, and don’t talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I’ve done that since day one. I’ve always taken other comics with me.

Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.

I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don’t carry guns, we carry cookies.

I’m all about showing people that I’m a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won’t grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, ‘Life is great.’

I see a lot of nice hotels, but I never really get to enjoy the cities, because I have to be on a plane the next day.

Comedy is my passion. I’m going to do this until I drop.

Social media has definitely changed the game for me. I am able to connect to my fans on twitter and interact with them, daily. YouTube has been a game changer as well – people around the world have been exposed to my comedy through my YouTube channel.

When you go to Hawaii, it’s all about “Aloha.” It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There’s always going to be the next guy, and if I’m going to go down, I’d like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can’t prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

As long as you have a director, that’s your feedback. It’s the director telling you, “Okay. That was great! Okay. Can we add a little? Can you tweak it like this? Can you make it more high pitched? Can you give it a little growl?”

The key to success is consistency and hard work.

Laughter is one of the most powerful tools in the world. It can bring people together and break down barriers.

Comedy opens up doors to speak about things that may not be easily discussed in other settings.

I embrace the fact that I’m a big guy. I think it’s important to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I’ve been through. I’m proud of it. And that’s what makes me who I am.

I’m not fat. I’m fluffy!

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

There’s 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

You know, a lot of people think that just ’cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you’ll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.

I don’t want to die tomorrow knowing I could’ve had a piece of cake tonight.

Believe it or not, I’ve got a really bad metabolism. One burger, and I’m done. I’m not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.

I’m a control freak. When I’m doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I’m alive and I’m living and I’m experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

I bought a Hummer before I bought a house, and then I bought a house. Every year, everything doubled. The work was doubling. The money was doubling. The popularity was doubling.

Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!

If you Google the word “fluffy,” I’m the first thing that pops up. It’s me, dogs and rabbits.

I want to get so famous that I don’t have to wake up in the morning. It’ll probably never happen.