The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account

To ”speak of a man as you find him” when he can’t find you

A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living

A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one’s own.

A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.

One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain

To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.

sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.

An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.

No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer

Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season

A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines

A series of commandments, ten in number – just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice.

The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear.

A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with

A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign

A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones

Duty – that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

A reptile with edible legs

When you are ill make haste to forgive your enemies, for you may recover

he art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.

A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine

A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity

Reparation without satisfaction

A large room where people sit and read at tables. The word is derived from studium, i.e. a place where one studies

A benightedly retrospective gentleman who is asked to forget the difference between the sexes in order that he may forget the difference between good and evil.

Text-books are but waste paper unless mind and spirit be in them

The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious

The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced

An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.”

An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught

That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding

That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured

A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others

Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead

A temporary insanity curable by marriage

The act of repeating erroneously the words of another

A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage

A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue

The covers of this book are too far apart

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret

A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.

I think I think, therefore I think I am.